Notice to my Readers and Friends

Hi All!

Artifacts has moved over to Typepad, and can be found at

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This move was a long time coming and I hope you will enjoy the features offered at my new home as much as I do.

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What You Talkin' Bout, Raj?

This really is one of the creepiest things I have ever seen. I want to believe these people are computer animated. Note: I cannot be responsible for whatever the dialogue is, since I can't understand it. Stick around for the smoking.



While creepy, this clip is safe for work. And is a cultural artifact that defines explanation, and thus, art.

I changed my mind - "Little Superstar" might be the best thing ever.



God, his dad sure is lazy!

(Thanks Dave!)

Like a Virgin

Dancing FOOLS at Vfest

Virgin Music Fest
Shiny and New

The Virgin Music Festival made it’s first non U.K. stop in Toronto on September 9th and 10th and my photographer in residence and I attended day two. What follows is a lazy recollection of the day.

One magical thing that (Sir) Richard Branson brought to my life is a new appreciation of “The Island”, Toronto’s weird picnic island that is usually a setting for corporate picnics alongside reenactments of Hitchcock’s “The Birds”. It seemed to me that Branson, like a goodly gentleman, banished all the vicious seagulls and yucky pigeons for the duration, making it possible for me to relax and enjoy myself. Local people, this is a great festival venue, but of course, do continue to avoid at all other times.

Bums on the ferry - Limits?

Sans birds, the island is a great venue for a festival. Once we arrived at the ferry docs and accepted that our travelers of gin-n’-tonics (Britney’s fave) were not going to be allowed to accompany us over to the island, we started having the best kind of fun. Make fun of other people fun.

A disturbing number of “cool parents” decided to bring their toddlers over to the music fest. While I thought it was semi-admirable that some people would continue in their lifestyle post – baby, I thought it remiss that none of the kids had on ear protection, and Dave noted that they were rolling around in seagull shit (which is everywhere). Also the dads had a wistful look when they saw the unencumbered beer drinkers, which made me a little sad.

You have to give a certain credit to people willing to create and carry around a silly sign all day


Ever the gentleman, Branson positioned both beer tents with a good view and earshot of the two stages. This raises him to notch 8.5 in my book, out of a possible 10. From the second stage we watched Jose Gonzales perform, who is lovely. I heard of him through a Sony Previa ad but in spite of this, the world needs him. The Virgin marketing information which describes Gonzales as someone who performs “in perfect English” (!!) takes the score down to 6. It would be less if not for the beer tents.

We watched Knaan perform from the same beer tent; it was a good, if understandably “ANGRY” set. His set was scheduled close to the popular Sam Roberts and had only a small turnout for what I learned was his first Canadian date. These festivals always have trouble with bringing different audiences together, I find.

En route to the main beer tent, we had the strange Bransonian experience of looking at a tent of new cars being advertised. From there we stumbled onto an outdoor exhibit of African sculpture which was really wonderful, and met the artist, who informed me that the lions -“ a piece of Africa” could be mine for only $1500 each. So how do you score the confusion of art and car advertising? Dave, who clearly will never understand if I do start bringing home $1500 lions, informed me with glee that he got them for free via his camera.

We got lost (I tell you it’s a crazy place) and found Kidsville. The (only) upside of Kidsville was that we found good, large, lineup free washrooms. Eventually we found the main stage and saw Sam Roberts from the comfort of the large main beer tent. Imagine our dismay when we found our emotional limit – the only beer left was blue light or something. Ok, I’ll pay $5.50 for a can of beer today. But LIGHT beer? The only consolation was to know that my old time “stealing”/ smuggling instinct had kicked in. A couple of trips and we watched the rest of the acts with our smuggled beer in front of the stage, as it should be.

I expected The Strokes to be lazy, I don’t know why; maybe it’s their hair. In fact, they put on a great, long show that was really enjoyable. They played as dusk was falling (hence the smuggling) and it was a great moment.

Both pictures above: The Strokes in performance.

Next came The Raconteurs, and as long time White Stripes fans it was very exciting to see Jack White. Such was the enjoyment of beer and other contraband that Dave called him Jack Black a few times. You can understand. The band was really good, although I only know two songs, they were doing something very loose and free form- sounding and it was great, we could have watched for hours.

In Bransonian Virgin Mobile world domination news, the video screens had a scroll with live drunken messages submitted by people in the crowd. Because nothing says rock and roll like texting “Jack White U R SO HOT!” into your VMobile. Like a moth I was drawn to the scroll however, and noted the first best line of the night “ Mullet Man was just taken away in handcuffs!” (Mullet Man was a guy in an ironic mullet wig who was as wasted as I have ever seen anyone at 5:00 in the sun).

Massive Attack had cancelled and replacements Broken Social Scene closed out the show. It seemed the crowd was much happier to be seeing the replacement act. (Except the ladies who we met who were expecting something like Led Zeppelin.) I know we probably missed something good here but some paranoia kicked in about being in horrible end of show ferry crowds and so we beat a hasty exit. For some reason GM Canada gave out guitar picks on the way out, and there were also AXE man stink products distributed. Highlight of the night: Someone on the crowded ferry stating “ It stinks of AXE in here!”.

Photo/ Video credits: Dave MacIntyre

Just be glad they're not Crocs!

In homage to the brilliant site Go Fug Yourself, and their hilarious "scroll down fug" feature, I bring you Jude Law "captured" by paparazzi recently at the Toronto International Film Festival.

Jude Law was once the hotness in my former opinion. Think of Jude circa Gattaca and later in The Talented Mr. Ripley (his presence in the first half of the movie and the scenery are the only and equally beautiful highlights of this meh film, though I will say it gets better with repeated viewing, in a camp way.) This was all before Jude unfortunately hit the cover of soul destroying Vanity Fair, met Sienna Miller, and decided to skankily ride off into the sunset looking dirty and helping me to truly define fashion victim.

Ok from the forehead down he looks good here. Who doesn't like a man who dresses for a premiere? We all secretly wish men would start dressing like Jude Law's top half. What pretty pictures don't show however is that when men are dressed like this, they whine like wittle babies. I can picture Jude doing just that once he reaches the end of the red carpet.



Scrolling down, Jude has chosen a super skinny pant that disturbingly, must have some stretch (spandex) in it in order to go over his feet. That or zippers at the back- choose your horror. I can believe these are Sienna's pants, but I still cannot understand why? (Sienna's fashion icon status and skinny pant influence notwithstanding.) I have to remind myself, these celebs don't live in the real world, and though a tiny part of me is drawn to Jude's "earthy" side, which would casually mate with a nanny less attractive than I am, the larger part of me is repulsed by the fact that he dates a woman who goes to lunch in a bathing suit, belly chains, and stilettos. Image is so important, you see.

I have put off the inevitable, the thing that made me recoil from my Entertainment Weekly and run to the scanner. Are these elfin monstrosities shoes or rather "booties"? And could a normal even half as skinny pant, if not make me love Jude again than at least keep his little secret to himself? A pointed toe under normal pants would have suggested, oh this guy wears red shoes, ok. Or perhaps we would have assumed the pointy tips belonged to cowboy boots, which would have been strange but as Canadian Cowboys and my circle know, you can fit 6 Molson Canadian Cool Shots down there. But the apple pie cutouts, buckles For Pete's Sake and the fact that even his shoes seem too tight when paired with the leggings cannot go unremarked. One could imagine Jude is looking down in embarrassment, but we know from past experience that's just wishful thinking. If I had been a photographer there I would have been aiming at his shoes and exclaiming " Holy Shit!", then we would have found out how good his acting is.

And I am sure like much of silly fashion, they are very expensive. I'm guessing Gucci or Prada outlet located in the Keebler Elves village mall.

Upcoming - Friday Sept 22 - Virgin Music Fest recap

And the Bransonian experience.

As a preview, check out one of my favorite artists of the festival: Jose Gonzalez. The site loops through several of his tracks andhis music is quite lovely. Promise.

photo credit: Exploding Dog (.com)

Classic Bad Album Art

When I started this blog, I had a semi - regular feature about bad album art which was a lot of fun and pretty well recieved. The whole subject speaks to my love of focusing on irrelevant minutae and beating it to death. Lately I have been enjoying a great bad album cover art feature by Will and Ben's Record Room, who have found some real gems. Imagine my surprise when I found a perfect, classically bad specimen right under our collective noses. It's driving me crazy every time I ride the subway or go anywhere in public, really.

The twist here is we know that unlike many classicly bad albums, this was not done by someone's brother with circa 1982 graphics or, presumably, under the influence of cocaine (which is how I explain most of the media produced in the late 70's - early 80's to myself.) This was selected by a team of experts and produced with a very healthy budget. The only justification for this album cover I can fathom is that it's blatant cheese and obliviousness is a coded reach out message to Justy's first love, Britney.

While it reassures me slightly to see that a close look reveals JT is crushing a disco ball and not a beach ball as it appears from 10 feet away, JT should be advised that from 10 feet away, it looks like he is putting his foot into a soft, vinyl ball, like a petulant 4 year old, and that said ball seems to be causing an embarrassing and cheap-looking bend in his shoe.

Ironically, these are probably very expensive and maybe even Italian made shoes. If this ad were a coded message to Britney, however, the shoes' apparent flimsiness (Walmart?) might say, "Remember, Y'all, I'm country too!"

Now look up, way up. Does a street thug or even a white boy who is literally kicking the stuffing out of his disco (???) image achieve his point if he complements this rather limp ankled violence with the White Man's Overbite?

And while we're at it, why does his album title make me sad? Oh yeah, it's because it's a tacky Outkast (Speakerboxx / The Love Below) rip off. It's tacky for many reasons - not the least of which because Outkast is two artists making two statements. It just looks silly for one white boy to use a slash in his album title. Even though he is slashing through his old image and bringing Sexy Back and all.

Speaking of Sexy Back, who does Adam Levine, or more commonly known as one of Jessica's Public Affairs / That Snot out of Maroon Five, think he is with this quote?
(Re: His band's new album) "This album is sexier and stronger. We're taking sexy back!"

Looks like Justin is going to have to put on his shitkickers and kick some Maroon ass, maybe with the help of Timbaland.


Artifacts previous classic bad album art: Rap O Clap O, Rat On, and more..

Levine photo credit and quote : Entertainment Weekly

Steal This Quote, Liars

I am in love with this man's brain:

"Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything."

"Anyone who claims to be good at lying is obviously bad at lying. Thus - as a writer myself - I cannot comment on whether or not writers are exceptionally good liars, because whatever I said would actually mean its complete opposite. "

- Chuck Klosterman

Social Essayist, Music Writer, and hilarious big brain

This is a good time to update my reading list for you bookworms:

The Sundance Kids - How the Mavericks took back Hollywood by James Mottram
It reads a little like a college thesis on Steven Sodobergh, and I think it may have started out as such. But once it gets going it's a good analysis of the recent wave of "Indie" filmmakers, including many of my favorites: Wes Anderson, Sofia Coppola, Alexander Payne, and many others.

Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Required reading for my Literature course, however a very highly recommended read. Regarded as the first African novel, Achebe's story combines the African oral tradition with the English narrative form, and it's a graceful and simply told story which hits you in the gut at the climax.

Until I Find You - John Irving
Though I like Irving, sad to say this was the first book in a really, really long time that I hated. I forced myself to finish all 7 or 800 pages but never changed my opinion. The protagonist is unlikable, the fake hollywood references are annoying to film fans (tones of Danielle Steele), and the storyline involving a boy who gets violated by women in one way or another since age 4 is dreary. The story of a tatoo artist mother and absent father who is obsessed with becoming a "full body" tattoo wearer should have been more compelling than it is.

Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas
Klosterman's latest is not to be missed, for no - holds- barred first hand accounts of interactions and interviews with Bono, Val Kilmer, Britney Spears, and more, along with cultural essays.
Actually improves the quality of your life.

Read my full 2006 reading list here:
http://artifactsmodern.blogspot.com/2006/07/my-reading-list-updated.html

Almost Famous

Kate Hudson as Penny Lane in Almost Famous

I thought I was done with the Rockstar: Supernova story, and frankly I was glad to be rid of it. If the story you were watching was the same as mine, it was “Small town- even better – Canadian boy beats huge odds to “make it big” as front man of rock group, in which case the story is complete. (Note to readers: I promise!)

But there is a footnote to the story which is interesting in a larger context: whether this or other competitions on T.V. are your thing or not – there is the age-old story of who stars step on to get to the top. (Or wherever a reality show may take us- the top 100?)

A TMZ video is currently circulating of Rock Star: Supernova winner Lukas Rossi’s “girlfriend” being shut out of the show’s after party. I believe she is telling the truth when she claims ownership of Lukas’s affections for the past 7 years. I also know, in the way I casually collect other useless knowledge, that she has carved out some recognition for herself among the fan base of the show and among Lukas’s fans, the only reason I know of her existence. Francesca is not famous except as who she willed herself to be: occasionally in the front row of the T.V. performances, a presence on show message boards, and the territorial piss that is her my space page, where she describes herself as in a relationship and features pictures of herself and Lukas making out, while describing herself both as a “friend” in my space parlance, and a fan of his, Tommy Lee’s etc. Looks like she may have to settle for being the latter.

I don’t know this woman, nor do I think I would want to. No one I know would humiliate themselves by standing outside an L.A. club for what seems to be hours, bitching and begging to be let in. At one point, Rossi is shown talking to her after which she is still not let in, and she reports that Rossi blames his handlers (HAH!)This does not deter her. (Oh, the Canadian determination when illplaced is a tragedy.) She appears old enough to see the writing on the wall. While its unfortunate that someone should have her first heartbreak made so public, she courted the attention and spun it into a really sad 15 minutes.

From the critic’s armchair where I sit, Luke was never going to look back if he made it. It’s unknown what promises if any were made. If he misled someone who loved him, he should review his cast mate’s butchering of Karma Police as punishment. Apparently his life here was not great, so who could blame him for cutting ties with the past? But it seems certain that Luke needed his long time girlfriend along the way, right up until last week, and would need her still if he returned home without the prize. She was needed until she was no longer needed, and then she was discarded.

Rock and Roll, baby.

Wrong sauce

Rock Star Supernova, the summer reality show / Rock singer search which featured Toronto's own Lukas Rossi and whose finalists included Rossi along with Toby Rand from Australia, Dilana (one name) from Texas (by way of South Africa), and Magni from Iceland, reached it's anticlimactic finale tonight, selecting Lukas Rossi as the winner and Supernova frontman, who was largely favored to win in my household and elsewhere. It will be interesting to see how far this band goes and if they can sustain whatever momentum was created over the summer, which judging by the mass media coverage was not that major. Something is either a televised competition of a worthy product or a reality show, forgotten as soon as the next crop of victims enters a mansion. Watching something on T.V., for free, is quite different from paying to see it publicly. After all those hours of advertising, I am not a fan of Supernova's music. They are overexposed before they even have a video. Simply put, they need Lukas's songwriting, youth and lifeblood, and they need it bad.

Lukas Rossi seemed to really want to win, and played the reality game (along with strong performances) to perfection, a stand out with humourous comments and unafraid to speak his mind throughout the series. Rossi matured from someone who threw too many tired hip hop expressions out to hide his white Canadian-ness into a performer who was professional, driven, and cool under pressure. While his chief competitor Dilana seemed to crack from the pressure of being on top, Rossi found the soft center of the competition and carved out his own niche and fan base. I usually reject Olympics style - 'root for your country because it's your country' jingoism, but there does seem to be something particularly driven and exciting when someone from Canada (like the other remote places the finalists hailed from) gets a chance on the world entertainment stage.

In closing, here is a sampler of the "UNIQUE" Tommy Lee's critiques from the series, I still don't understand a word he said but I am glad his pants never fell down in his enthusiasm, because they were worn as low as they could go before going where no 8:00 show should ever go. He also licked his lips approximately 4 million times.

" You're raising the bar.....and I am pulling up a barstool."

"Dilana.......I WANNA!"

"He's a showboat.....so show me some boat."

"I thought that was sauteed in wrong sauce."

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Coming tomorrow: The long overdue Artifacts Celebrity Hair Terror Alert update!

The new Paris Hilton CD is awesome!

The version hijacked by Banksy, of course!

London graffiti / stencil artist Banksy, who has shared his unique views about art, commerce, the police, politics, war, and and culture with the public using public spaces around London for several years, (and who has recently gained insider status with designs for Blur's cd cover art and several art shows) - is basically the most exciting artist I have heard of in a long time. Banks has now also won my heart for life for his latest artistic statement. Apparently 500 copies of Paris Hilton's cd were planted and purchased in HMV and other record stores in London retitled "Why Am I Famous?" which contained cd and insert art doctored by Banksy, and an album remixed by Danger Mouse. HMV apparently likes the idea since they reportedly had only 7 returns and subsequently planned to auction them. I am sure the other 493 customers are more than happy with the now (accidentally) artistic and valuable collector's item they scored. I want one!

Here are pictures of the cd insert art by Banksy.

While this may explain one reason why Paris is famous, I can't help you with Lindsay Lohan, Dad. The younger they are, the less good they do, the more spoiled (by both definitions of the term) they are, the more famous.....In case of retinal burning caused by many pictures of Princess Wonk-eye, here is an an example of Banksy's art featuring a more attractive subject.